Is My Dad Gay If He Has a Small Dog?
The standard-issue dad dog is a large yellow Labrador named after a beer. Some dads have gone a different way.
By the Gay-I Research Desk · · 3 min read
The Gay-I Verdict
Gay-I Reading: 54%No, having a small dog does not mean your dad is gay. It means he has a small dog, which is a lot of responsibility for something that weighs nine pounds. The Gay-I does take note when the dog has a sweater, a human name, and a habit of being carried.
For generations, the American dad dog has been a Labrador or a golden retriever. It was large, it was yellow, it rode in the back of the truck, and it was named something like Bud or Duke. Dad did not pick it out. It came with the house, more or less.
In recent years, the Gay-I has received a steady stream of submissions involving dads with dogs that fit inside a tote bag. We take each of these seriously, and we have also looked at a lot of dog pictures, which has been the best part of this job.
Dad Dog Breeds, Ranked by the Gay-I
The Gay-I scored common dad dogs on a five-point scale. Higher numbers mean the dog is saying something Dad has not said out loud.
| Signal | Gay-I Strength | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Labrador or golden retriever | The control group. This dog has been to a tailgate. | |
| German shepherd | He wanted a dog that could theoretically protect the house. It sleeps on the couch. | |
| French bulldog | Expensive, snores, cannot swim. He chose this on purpose, which is the part we are flagging. | |
| Dachshund | Usually Mom's dog. Check who it sleeps next to. | |
| Pomeranian | A dog that is mostly hair. He brushes it. He has a brush for it. | |
| A dog that came with a "dog mom" mug, but he is the one using it | The Gay-I asked to see the mug again. |
The Sweater Question
Small dogs get cold. This is a real thing, and veterinarians agree. So a sweater on a small dog in January is a reasonable decision, and the Gay-I does not penalize it.
The reading goes up when the sweater is seasonal, coordinated, or chosen. A dad who grabs whatever sweater is in the drawer is keeping a dog warm. A dad who owns a fall sweater, a holiday sweater, and a "spring layer" for the dog has developed a sense of style that he has not yet applied to himself. Velour dads are also, by our earlier estimate, 40% more likely to own a small dog, as reported in questionable fabrics. We stand by the estimate.
- No sweater: Classic. The dog is on its own.
- One plain sweater: Practical. The dog was shivering.
- Matching sweater set with Dad: The Gay-I would like a photo of this for research purposes.
- A sweater over the dog's shoulders, tied in front: This is not possible with a dog, and yet we have received two submissions. See the sweater over the shoulders.
Human Names and Carrying the Dog
A traditional dad dog is named after a beer, a sports player, or a color. A dog named Gary, Linda, or Brian is a dog that Dad thinks of as a coworker. He will refer to it in full sentences, such as "Brian does not like the mailman." He is right. Brian does not.
Carrying the dog is the strongest single signal in this report. Big dogs walk. Small dogs walk, too, but a dad who carries the dog across a parking lot, into a store, and back out again has accepted that the dog is an accessory and also a family member. Our researchers watched one dad carry a pomeranian for an entire block. He did not seem to notice he was doing it.
What To Do With This Information
Nothing. Dogs are not a sexual orientation. Lots of straight dads love their pomeranians, and lots of gay men own a large dog that smells like a pond. The size of a dog cannot tell you anything about who your dad loves. It can tell you how big the dog is.
If you still want a reading, upload a photo of him, ideally holding the dog. The Gay-I does not officially score dogs, but it has never once been upset to see one. If your dad also spends his weekends doing the lawn, the dog is probably out there with him.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it gay if my dad has a small dog?
No. A small dog is a dog. The Gay-I only starts paying attention when the dog has a wardrobe and a name like Gerald.
Why does my dad carry his dog everywhere?
Small dogs have small legs, and he likes having the dog close. It is also possible that the dog has trained him, which happens more than people admit.
Is it weird that my dad dresses his dog in sweaters?
Not if it is cold. If the dog has a seasonal rotation of sweaters, it is less weird and more a hobby.
What kind of dog do straight dads have?
Our research says a large yellow Labrador that was supposed to be the family's dog and now only listens to Dad.
Can the dog someone owns tell you if they are gay?
No. Pets reflect who has room in their home and their heart, not anyone's sexuality. The Gay-I mostly just likes looking at the dogs.
The joke is on stereotypes, not on anyone's dad. Nothing on this page can tell you anything about a real person's sexuality. If your dad has actually come out, start here instead.
Related Research
Questionable Fabrics: A Field Guide to What Dad Is Wearing
Most dads wear cotton. Some dads have started wearing other things. We looked into it.
Is a Sweater Tied Over the Shoulders Gay? What It Means When Dad Does It
There is a sweater on Dad's shoulders. His arms are not in it. We have been asked to explain.
Is My Dad Gay If He Has Houseplants? The Fiddle-Leaf Fig Threshold
Most dads keep one plant alive by accident. Some dads keep a fiddle-leaf fig alive on purpose. We measured the gap.