Is My Dad Gay If He Has Houseplants? The Fiddle-Leaf Fig Threshold
Most dads keep one plant alive by accident. Some dads keep a fiddle-leaf fig alive on purpose. We measured the gap.
By the Gay-I Research Desk · · 4 min read
The Gay-I Verdict
Gay-I Reading: 66%No, houseplants do not mean your dad is gay. They mean he waters things, which is a good quality in a person. The Gay-I does consider the fiddle-leaf fig a threshold, because keeping one alive takes a level of attention most dads reserve for the lawn.
The traditional dad does not have houseplants. He has a lawn, a hedge he trims too aggressively, and possibly a tomato plant that Mom started and he took credit for. Indoors, plants are someone else's department.
Our researchers have noticed a shift. Dads are bringing plants inside. Dads are buying plants on purpose. Dads are asking the person at the garden center about "indirect light." We have been tracking this for literally an afternoon, and we are now ready to publish.
The Dad Houseplant Scale
The Gay-I sorts dads by the plants they keep indoors. Each step up the scale requires more care, more research, and more time spent looking at leaves.
- Zero plants: The baseline. Any plant that enters this house is going to die, and everyone knows it, including the plant.
- A cactus from a gas station: He bought it next to the register while paying for gas. It has been alive for six years because he has never once watered it. This is the correct way to own a cactus, and it is also an accident.
- A pothos: Pothos are very hard to kill. He will tell you they are "easy." He has started saying "easy" about plants, which means he now has opinions about which plants are hard.
- Naming the plants: A plant with a name is a plant he talks to. The Gay-I has records of a pothos named Steve and a snake plant named Mr. Johnson. Neither name was a joke.
- A monstera: Large, dramatic, has holes in the leaves on purpose. He bought it because it "makes the room." He has started thinking about how rooms are made.
- A fiddle-leaf fig: See below.
Why the Fiddle-Leaf Fig Is a Threshold
The fiddle-leaf fig is famous for being difficult. It does not like being moved. It does not like drafts. It does not like too much water, too little water, or the wrong window. When it is unhappy, it drops a leaf on the floor, and you are supposed to figure out why.
A dad who owns one has made a commitment. He has read articles. He has rotated the pot a quarter turn every week so it grows evenly. He has possibly bought a moisture meter, and he has definitely used the phrase "she's pushing out a new leaf." Our data shows that 70% of dads who keep a fiddle-leaf fig alive for more than a year also own decorative throw pillows. We made that number up, but we would be surprised if it were lower.
Lawn Dads vs. Plant Dads
There is an important difference between a dad who cares for the lawn and a dad who cares for plants. The lawn is outside, it is public, and its purpose is to be better than the neighbor's lawn. A houseplant is inside, it is private, and its only purpose is to be nice. The Gay-I considers this a meaningful change in priorities. For more on the outdoor side, see the lawn as a love language.
Some dads do both. These dads are rare and should be studied, ideally from a distance, so as not to disturb the fig.
What To Do With This Information
Nothing. Plants are not a sexual orientation. A straight dad can keep a jungle in his living room, and a gay dad can have nothing but a dead basil plant on the windowsill. Counting someone's houseplants cannot tell you anything about who they are. It can tell you which windows get the most light.
If you need a second opinion, upload a photo of him standing next to the fig. The Gay-I cannot see plants very well, but it will try. If he has also adopted a small dog to keep the fig company, see small dogs, big questions.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it gay for a man to have houseplants?
No. Houseplants are plants that live in a house. The Gay-I only flags it when the plants have names and he has started saying "she" about the fig.
What does it mean when my dad buys a fiddle-leaf fig?
It means he is ready for a challenge. Fiddle-leaf figs are hard to keep alive, so a dad who buys one is either very confident or has not looked it up yet.
Why does my dad talk to his plants?
Many people talk to plants, and some believe it helps them grow. It is also possible that the plants are the only ones in the house who listen to him all the way through.
What plants do straight dads have?
According to our research, one cactus from a gas station, alive by accident, and a fake ficus in the corner that nobody has looked at since 2008.
Can houseplants tell you if someone is gay?
No. Houseplants tell you someone likes having something green around. That is all any of this is ever about.
The joke is on stereotypes, not on anyone's dad. Nothing on this page can tell you anything about a real person's sexuality. If your dad has actually come out, start here instead.
Related Research
Is My Dad Gay If He Likes Throw Pillows?
A couch needs zero pillows to function. Some dads have added pillows anyway. We looked into their reasons.
The Lawn as a Love Language: What Dad's Yard Is Telling You
Some dads say "I love you." Most dads mow diagonal stripes into the front yard and wait for someone to notice.
Is My Dad Gay If He Has a Small Dog?
The standard-issue dad dog is a large yellow Labrador named after a beer. Some dads have gone a different way.