Questionable Fabrics: A Field Guide to What Dad Is Wearing
Most dads wear cotton. Some dads have started wearing other things. We looked into it.
By the Gay-I Research Desk · · 3 min read
The Gay-I Verdict
Gay-I Reading: 61%No fabric can tell you if your dad is gay. That said, a dad who owns more than two linen shirts and calls them "breathable" has made a choice, and the Gay-I has noticed. Cotton remains the official fabric of heterosexual fatherhood.
For most of recorded history, dads wore cotton. Cotton t-shirts from a 5K he walked in 2009. Cotton polos in colors like "khaki" and "slightly different khaki." Cotton was simple. Cotton asked nothing of anybody.
Then something changed. Maybe it was a work trip to Miami. Maybe it was a younger coworker. Either way, dads across the country began bringing home fabrics with texture, drape, and in some cases a sheen. Our researchers spent literally an afternoon in dads' closets so you don't have to.
The Fabric Signal Index
Every fabric below was scored by the Gay-I on a five-point scale. Higher numbers mean the fabric is saying more than Dad is.
| Signal | Gay-I Strength | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Cotton | The control group. A cotton dad is a known quantity. | |
| Flannel | Usually means he owns an axe. Occasionally means he owns an axe ironically. Investigate further. | |
| Moisture-wicking polyester | He golfs. See our golf trip risk assessment. | |
| Cashmere | Soft to the touch. He will ask you to touch it. | |
| Linen | See below. We have a lot to say about linen. | |
| Velour | A full velour tracksuit is not a fabric choice, it is a lifestyle. | |
| Mesh | There is no innocent reason for a dad to own mesh. We checked. |
Why Linen Gets Its Own Section
Linen is the single most reported fabric in Gay-I submissions. It is also the most defended. Ask a dad about his linen shirt and he will tell you it is "breathable," "what they wear in Italy," and "actually very practical." He will say this unprompted, which is how you know.
Linen wrinkles if you look at it. A dad who is willing to look wrinkled on purpose has stopped dressing for the lawn and started dressing for an audience. Who that audience is remains unclear.
- One linen shirt: He went on a cruise. This is fine.
- Two to three linen shirts: He went on a cruise and something happened on the cruise.
- Linen pants: Please make sure Mom has seen the linen pants.
- A linen suit: The Gay-I declined to issue a reading and asked for some time alone.
Velour and the Tracksuit Problem
A velour tracksuit tells us one of two things. Either Dad is about to go on a walk and wants everyone in the neighborhood to know about it, or Dad has fully retired from caring what anybody thinks. Both of these are concerning in their own way.
Our data shows that velour dads are 40% more likely to also own a small dog. We made that number up, but it feels right.
What To Do With This Information
Nothing. Fabric is not a sexuality. Plenty of straight men own linen, and plenty of gay men dress like they are about to clean out a gutter. If you have read this far looking for proof of anything, the only thing we can confirm is that Dad likes being comfortable.
If you need a second opinion, you can always upload a photo of him and let the Gay-I take a look at the shirt directly. Or check how his shoes and sunglasses compare.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it gay for a dad to wear linen?
No. Linen is a fabric made from flax. It has no sexual orientation. A dad who owns three or more linen shirts has, however, developed opinions about fabric, and the Gay-I flags that for further review.
What fabric do straight dads wear?
Our research says cotton, usually from a charity 5K, a family reunion, or a company softball team that disbanded in 2011.
My dad just bought a cashmere sweater. Should I be worried?
Not worried. Curious, maybe. If he asks you to feel how soft it is, that is standard cashmere behavior. Everyone who buys cashmere does this.
Can clothing actually tell you if someone is gay?
No. Clothing tells you what someone likes to wear. That is the whole joke. Sexuality is not visible from a closet, even a closet full of linen.
The joke is on stereotypes, not on anyone's dad. Nothing on this page can tell you anything about a real person's sexuality. If your dad has actually come out, start here instead.
Related Research
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Is It Gay for a Man to Wear Short Shorts? An Inseam Investigation
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Is a Sweater Tied Over the Shoulders Gay? What It Means When Dad Does It
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