What Does My Dad's Drink Order Say About Him? A Cocktail Decoder
For years Dad ordered "whatever's on tap." Lately he has been reading the cocktail menu all the way to the end. We looked over his shoulder.
By the Gay-I Research Desk · · 3 min read
The Gay-I Verdict
Gay-I Reading: 47%Your dad's drink order tells you how adventurous he feels at a bar and whether he has recently been to Italy, but it cannot tell you if he is gay. The Gay-I does note that a dad who orders an espresso martini at 9 p.m. has plans.
A dad's drink order used to be a fixed point. You could have set a clock by it. Then the cocktail menus got longer, the bartenders got mustaches, and some dads started reading the descriptions.
The Gay-I Research Desk spent an evening at a hotel bar observing fathers order drinks. We did not tell the fathers we were observing them. We sat in a booth and wrote things down on napkins, which is our standard methodology.
The Baseline: Domestic Light Beer
The control group drinks a domestic light beer. He drinks it out of the can if possible, and out of a pint glass if the restaurant insists. He does not know or care what is on tap. He will ask for "whatever's cold."
This is the most stable reading in our dataset. The light beer dad has ordered the same thing for 30 years. When asked why, he says, "It's fine," which is the highest compliment he gives anything.
The Cocktail Signal Index
Each drink below was scored by the Gay-I on its five-point scale. Please note that the Gay-I does not drink and is unsure what most of these taste like.
| Signal | Gay-I Strength | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Domestic light beer | The control group. Usually followed by a second domestic light beer. | |
| Old fashioned | Fine. He saw it on a TV show about the 1960s and has never looked back. | |
| The IPA phase | He can now describe beer as "hoppy." He will do so at length. | |
| Aperol spritz | He went to Italy, or he went to a restaurant that is pretending to be Italy. | |
| Espresso martini | He wants to stay out. Nobody has ever ordered one of these and gone home early. | |
| Cosmopolitan | A pink drink in a stemmed glass, ordered with total confidence. See below. | |
| "What's good here?" | He is putting his evening in the hands of a stranger with a mustache. |
The IPA Phase and the Aperol Spritz
Most dads go through an IPA phase. It usually begins around the time a brewery opens near his office. He starts ordering flights. He uses the word "notes." He may rate the beer on an app. The phase typically lasts about two years and ends when he realizes he does not enjoy beer that tastes like a pine tree.
The Aperol spritz is different. It is orange, it comes in a wine glass, and it has a straw. A dad who orders one is making a statement about summer, about leisure, and about how he would like to be photographed. It often appears alongside a usual brunch spot and a linen shirt from our questionable fabrics guide.
The Espresso Martini, the Cosmopolitan, and "What's Good Here?"
The espresso martini is a drink for a man with a second wind. Our researchers watched one dad order an espresso martini at 9:15 p.m. and then text the group chat that he was "just getting started." He was home by 10:30, but the intent was there.
The cosmopolitan produced the strongest reading of the night. It arrived in a martini glass, it was pink, and the dad who ordered it did so in the same flat voice he uses to order a light beer. The Gay-I respects this, while also recording it.
Then there is "what's good here?" This is the moment a dad stops ordering a drink and starts having an experience. He leans on the bar. He asks the bartender about his day. He says "surprise me." The Gay-I has no further comment and simply asked for the check.
What To Do With This Information
Mostly, buy him a drink. A drink order tells you what someone likes to drink. It cannot tell you anything about their sexuality, and neither can we, despite the scores above.
If you would like the Gay-I to weigh in anyway, upload a photo of him holding the cosmopolitan. You might also cross-check his music taste, since the espresso martini dads tend to have interesting playlists.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it gay if my dad orders a cosmopolitan?
No. A cosmopolitan is vodka, cranberry, lime, and orange liqueur. It has no sexuality. The Gay-I gives it a 4 out of 5 anyway, mostly for the glass.
What does it mean when my dad orders an Aperol spritz?
Usually that he recently went to Italy, or ate somewhere with string lights on a patio. He enjoyed it and would like to keep the feeling going.
Why did my dad stop drinking light beer?
Most dads branch out at some point, often during an IPA phase. Many of them return to light beer later and describe the whole thing as "a journey."
Is an old fashioned a dad drink?
Yes. The old fashioned is one of the most dad drinks there is. The Gay-I rates it a 1 out of 5, which is basically a light beer with a cherry.
Can someone's drink order tell you if they are gay?
No. A drink order tells you what someone likes to drink. That is the entire joke, and it is also just true.
The joke is on stereotypes, not on anyone's dad. Nothing on this page can tell you anything about a real person's sexuality. If your dad has actually come out, start here instead.
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